DEAR HARRIETTE: I read your response to “Betrayed By Love, Torn by Loyalty,” whose best friend is now dating her ex. I can relate.
Years ago, the father of my three children left me and our marriage for my then-best friend.
I was confiding in her about personal things, and I was pregnant with our third child. I learned after the birth that they’d been having an affair. Yes, they later married. It was devastating.
Point being: You advised Torn to talk with her best friend. In my experience, there is no talking to her. They want what they want.
Torn needs to realize they don’t care how it affects her and her feelings. Some people don’t care about unwritten codes of relationships. They only care about themselves.
— Survived Life’s Hurts
DEAR SURVIVED LIFE’S HURTS: Thank you for sharing your story of betrayal.
You are probably right. Some people truly don’t care about whose feelings they hurt. Furthermore, some aren’t aware of the existence, let alone value, of codes of conduct. This is heartbreaking.
And yet, as in your case, you had no choice but to move on and nurture and love your children. I can only imagine how hard it was to heal from that emotional wound, but your advice to turn the corner and not try to get an explanation is understandable.
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I got married to my husband about seven months ago after dating him for five years, and while I expected some adjustments in our relationship, I’ve been feeling a significant shift lately.
It seems like my husband is pulling away, and it’s leaving me feeling confused and insecure.
Before we got married, we were so connected and spent all of our free time together, but now he seems distant and preoccupied.
I’ve noticed he’s been spending more time on his phone and seems distracted when we’re together. It’s like he’s constantly somewhere else mentally, and it’s starting to take a toll on our relationship.
I miss the deep connection we used to have, and I’m worried that if we don’t address this now, it will only get worse over time.
I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he brushes off my concerns, saying he’s just busy with work or stressed about other things. However, I can’t shake this feeling that something deeper is going on.
How can I address this distance in our relationship and reconnect with my husband?
— Where Is He?
DEAR WHERE IS HE?: Trust your gut. Something has changed.
Ask your husband to put down his phone and talk honestly with you. Be direct, even if you are afraid of the answer.
Ask what prompted such a dramatic change in his behavior after you got married.
Remind him that you two used to do everything together, and now that you are married, he is distant. Probe him to learn what is different.
You might have to be brave and ask him if he is seeing someone else. Otherwise, find out what other person or thing has captivated his attention.
Tell him you miss him and want to reignite the closeness that you had for the five years leading up to your marriage. Ask if he wants that, too.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.